I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I give up.
These were the words that, to my surprise, came out of my mouth towards the end of 2015 while I was nursing my son.
I was stressed out, feeling disconnected from my work (art), and felt like a failure.
I’ll admit I did not recognize myself or my thoughts and felt like I was going through one of the biggest growth periods of my life, because I was.
I was a born rule breaker. I got in trouble in school and I never saw the world the way other people saw it. I saw it through a different lens.
If I was given directions, I would change it up. This is great when you work for yourself, but not when you are working for someone else.
I was fired from a few jobs, quit jobs, and found out pretty early in life that working for myself was what was going to work for me. Even if it was harder in some ways, it was easier in others.
Less conflict, more freedom.
When I learned about needs from Tony Robbins I learned that I’m good with uncertainty in some areas of my life, like my career. Working for myself has been the best personal growth program ever, and what took it to the next level was becoming a mom in my 40’s.
I had no idea what would happen (hello uncertainty!) and was surprised that I wanted to give up, quit and stop doing my work, my art in the world. I considered this, and then my website had issues and was down for a few days.
I cried. I was scared. I stepped into a place of insecurity that I’ve not been in for a very long time.
Now that I have had time to heal, I can see at the time I was in an interesting cycle that started to happen. I was experiencing parts of me that I did not like or care for, to be honest. I felt like I was failing, parts of me were dying in a way and moving backwards.
This is how it was playing out inside of me. It was like being a caterpillar in a cocoon – painful.
It started out with the part of me that was stuck in the past.
Then moved onto the part of me that did not believe in myself.
I was struggling with time as a new mom and knew I wanted to live more deliberately. I was exhausted, did not have sleep, and met the part of me that was bad with time management.
Then I was hit with the best one of all, the part of me that needs to be perfect and drives myself and everyone else around me crazy. It’s critical and makes things harder.
I felt like I was losing my mind… in some ways I was. Everything was getting f*cked up by me not being able to think clearly, and I was feeling bad about it. I got to the point of crying myself to sleep with my babes in my arms.
Then the part of me that needs to be further along & compares myself to others showed up BIG time and I felt like a total failure because the other mompreneurs seemed to be able to handle the shift better than I could.
Can you say crazy making? I felt like my life and creativity was slipping away from me.
Finally, it all came to a head where I was so afraid and didn’t trust myself again, so I said out loud with conviction – “I am done. I can’t do this anymore. I give up.”
It went from a tiny thought to a part of me that really wanted this. I’ll admit, giving up had not been something I have ever done, and now it was a real possibility. Whoa!
The Universe heard me that day and in a flash my website went down for days.
I almost changed my hosting company. Was pulling my hair out and my team was on with the hosting company almost every day and night to figure it out.
It was totally frustrating for me, my team, and everyone around me – like my husband who totally believes in me. I told my team that I had this feeling and put it out there, and Boom! instant manifesting. Amazing how we can manifest fast when we want to give up.
Then my husband, bless his heart and soul, said, “Hillary, don’t ever give up.”
I stopped in my tracks to take this in and see for myself what was really going on. I needed to hear this and was reminded of the work I do.
Was it that I wanted to give up, or was it I had to change how I was doing things? Change my mind-set? Change how I treat myself, all parts of myself?
The first thing I did was to #loveandforgive each part of me that was getting in my own way.
The second thing I did was reframe my language into a permission statement.
The third thing I did was share what I was going through on Instagram so I could heal through sharing my heart.
Then I heard a quiet voice inside guiding me to create from my pain.
I knew I had to do something, and what came to me was to do a challenge and use these tools to help those who are feeling disconnected, not believing in themselves, and seeking a way to love themselves again – all of themselves.
So in the process of my own healing I bought the domain, LOVEandFORGIVENESSchallenge.com.
The domain became my placeholder. (Psst… this is the best way to hold space for things you want to create in the world, even when you’re not sure when it will be born.)
As you can see, I did not give up or throw in the towel.
What I did do is pour myself into what I had already created. I began to show up more for myself and for what felt good for me. I focused my energy on being more generous.
I began to heal the parts of me that I was scared to look at. I began to love all parts of myself. I began to respect the different seasons of life and business. I learned that we can let go of what is not serving us and this is one way to not give up on yourself.
My ability to manifest and create shifted, and what I desired to have began to show up. I was no longer in the way of receiving it. A big moment and realization.
I have found that in order to move towards your goals, dreams or visions, there will be layers to release. You have to get out of your own way, sister!
By taking simple steps so you can #loveandforgive the parts of you that are in the way – like living in the past or having to be perfect – you can give yourself permission to change how you see it and speak about it.
Now I’m inspired and driven to share the process I went through with you. And how I’m doing that is by creating a LOVE-olution.
Join the LOVE-olution by registering for my free 7-day Love and Forgiveness Challenge!
The challenge officially starts on Sunday, February 7th, but why wait?
Tell me in the comments below if you’re ready to have the best Valentine’s Day ever by falling in love with YOU – all of Y.O.U.
I hope you’ll join us for the challenge – it’s going to be ultimate mind-set reset (aka self-love experience)!
Your Angel of Fire,